Southwest Saskatchewan's Authoritative Source of Fake News

After years of lagging behind in the prestigious potty break capital of Canada Mayor Al Bridal was proud to announce that Swift Current has now claimed top spot in the #1 and #2 department.
"It's a relief to know that we are now the restroom stop destination of choice for Canadians to get their business taken care of in a safe, clean and sanitary environment".

Swift Current was voted the winner by the Northern Endeavours Educational Division of the Travellers & Occupational Group Office (NEEDTOGO) nudging out the perennial past winners of Hope, BC, Hamilton, ON, and Grand Falls, NB.

The city was awarded with a "We're #1 and #2" sign which will soon be erected next to the "Where Life Makes Sense" sign on the outskirts of town.

The mayor of Yorkton was unavailable for comment.

As identifiable minority groups around the province of Saskatchewan find themselves being hunted by social media justice warriors for simply getting exposed/infected by a severe seasonal virus, Swift Current has stepped up to the plate and will welcome those being persecuted with open arms. City Councillor Jake Dueck-Friesen-Giesbrecht tabled the bill that would ensure that all city services and businesses would be banned from displaying bigotry and racism in the light of the global case-demic that is sweeping most of the world. "It's a shame that identifiable minority groups who happen to live in communal environments are being singled out by the provincial government. We want to be that place where they feel safe and welcome...especially considering that they are helping build herd immunity while the rest of the province's non-at-risk working class and children won't even bother leaving their basements."

Councillor Jake also added that the recent cancellations of the Swift Current Market Square had nothing to do with trying to keep communal living people out of the city. "No, that was just a coincidence....honest".

Meanwhile, people with no real communal aspects to their lives are going about their lives as normal.

 

 

 

Swift Current has been hit with another two days in a row of flooding in the downtown area and City Council has decided to throw in the wet towel and simply convert the E.I. Wood parking lot and the Cinema Twin theater in to a all year round water park.

General Manager of Infrastructure and Operations Mitch Minken was quoted saying "Hey, when we get 2 inches of rain in 20 minutes there isn't much we can do to move the water all the way from downtown to the Swift Current Creek...so we're just gonna plug the holes and put up our portable waterslide structure and make the best of a bad situation". 

The city has purchased the Sylvan Lake Waterslides structure which closed 2 years ago and is transporting it piece by piece over the next few months. They plan to cut the structure in half for use in the two most flooded locations giving government workers and movie goers a chance to have some fun while figuring out how to clean out the gunk from their vehicles.

Miniken added "When it rains like this again we're ready to close all the drains and have some fun".

Just when you thought there wasn't enough room for more Dollaramas, the chain of competitively priced product stores announced that they plan to introduce 11 more stores to the Swift Current area by 2021 bringing the total to 13.

Spokesperson Marc Smithson-Anderson-Bakerson noted "we were amazed at home much folks in the Saskatchewan south-west were willing to spend on cheap stuff made in China by 12 year olds." 

The Montreal based company hopes to add more store locations to the following locations:

  • Southside 1 (on site of the Palliser Care Centre)
  • Southside 2 (on the site of the Prairie Pioneer Lodge)
  • Southside 3 (on the site of Oman School)
  • Downtown (on the site of the Healy Hote)
  • Eastside (on the site of the old Hospital)
  • Westside (on the site of Integra Tire)
  • North (in the Wheatland Mall - 2nd store).
  • Northeast (next to the dump)
  • Waldeck (near where that dead skunk was last year)
  • Wymark (ditto)
  • Webb (ditto x2)

Dollarama hopes to add more stores in the future citing the need for more old buildings to be demolished before they can make any firm plans. Also they are looking into expanding into more rural areas if they can find nearby towns that start with the letter W.

With this year's lack of rain it has become apparent that the city has superstitiously placed the dome from the cancelled TV series "Under The Dome" over the city of Swift Current while residents were distracted watching the Swift Current Broncos successfully challenge for the WHL Championship.

Residents began to take notice when rain storm after rain storm would pass by the city dropping no rain in the city limits. Questions began to be emailed to city council who quickly devised a plan to user golf course sprinklers to shower the city with enough water to put resident's minds at rest that "all is well".

However, local resident and "chemtrail flat earther" Frank Geisreimer isn't buying it. "I can see the dome at night when the moon is just starting it's first quarter. A distortion is evident from outside the city".  When asked how he got outside the city when there is a dome around it, Geisreimer said "oh, they've put the thing 30 feet off the ground sing glass pillars and sky hooks. They ain't stupid".

City council refused to comment for this story.

On the heals of US President Donald Trump announcing the move of the US Embassy from Tel Aviv to the Israeli capital city of Jerusalem, mayor Dennis Perrault is hoping that Trump will also take have the foresight to move the US Embassy in Canada to Swift Current.

"This is a great opportunity for Swift Current" mayor Perrault noted "especially considering the nearest consulate is way over in Calgary. We can only imagine this being a boon to our nearest border crossing (Monchy) which could incur a traffic spike and see a doubling of the vehicles from 10 to 20 a day.  It's a win, win situation".

Those close to Mr.Trump are optimistic that this kind of consideration isn't out of the realm of possibility. "Hey, anything is possible these days" said White House Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee at her latest press briefing.

As for potential locations, the Mayor hinted that the former Palliser Care Centre is available and if formidable looking enough to host such a large amount of traffic and be able to withstand any nuclear strikes that may come its way. Local residents are also supportive citing the opportunities to influence US international policies and to get cheaper vanilla Coca-Cola.

As warmer weather arrives after an abundance of rain Swift Current resident are bracing for yet another bad season of mosquitoes invading the city. After horrific 2016, City Council has decided to take the bold step of declaring the entire city limits as a "mosquito free zone" to hopefully alleviate the problem.

Councillor Chris Martens brought the motion forward at last week's council meeting which stated "We declare the entire city of Swift Current to be a mosquito free zone" and motion carried with a unanimous vote. Martens was quoted after the meeting saying "We wanted to take an environmentally friendly tact this year. Declaring this zone should make it clear to all mosquitoes in the area the Swift Current is off limits and that they should look elsewhere...like Webb, Wymark or Waldeck. We are confident that those pests will take our declarations seriously and honour our intentions and requests".

City residents attending the meeting were dumbfounded and repeatedly asked why they thought mosquitoes would respond to this request when they are...well... unable to read or speak English. Council repeatedly said "you just gotta believe and the positive thoughts of our city residents will make them leave".

When asked when taxes would be lowered council responded with "as soon a this mosquito initiative works."

 

CurlingAfter hosting the World Women's Curling Championship in both 2010 and 2016, the World Curling Federation has decided to no longer bother with going through the hassle of finding a new location each year to host the tournament and just stick with Swift Current, Saskatchewan, Canada for the foreseeable future.

World Curling President Kate Caithness commented: "This is going to save us a lot of work in the coming years. Every season we must sift through many bids to host the WWCC...OK we actually usually have to go around asking countries/cities if they will host and once we explain what curling is, then we have to convince them to offer a bid. It's becoming a real hassle. So now we just head off to the iPlex in Swift Current every year and call it a day".

While the City of Swift Current is happy with the decision, the Swift Current Broncos hockey is less than pleased. The WWCC occur right at the beginning of the WHL playoffs which, until this year, wasn't a concern. However the team has turned the corner on their recent past history of missing the playoffs and is hoping to have deep runs for years to come. Broncos head coach and GM Manny Viveros was unavailable for comment after being abducted by Moose Jaw Warriors head coach Tim Hunter on his trip home from Regina.

A local group of pothole lovers is after the city of Swift Current to stop repairing the breaks of asphalt and concrete around he city's roads. The Committee For The Naturalification Of Swift Current (TCFTNOSC) have complained that repairing the city's infrastructure is preventing nature from taking it's course and causing environmental damage.

"Potholes are just nature's way of reclaiming ground that modern technology and interference has stripped from it. Nature was never meant to be tamed or subdued but rather enjoyed" cited TCFTNOSC chairperson Abe Simpson. "We have no business taking perfectly good nature and covering it up with streets, sidewalks, houses, stores, bridges, and grass. We were meant to live on the land and off the land".

Mr Simpson continued "pothole repair is just one step in continuing the oppression of nature here in Swift Current. We need to let Mother Nature take her course and stop interfering".

Mayer Perrault declined to comment on the controversy citing a need to focus on a plan to defeat the Regina Pats in the upcoming playoff series.

Simpson also noted that the next meeting of the TCFTNOSC will be held knee deep in the westside slough at 3pm, Saturday, April the 1st. Attenders are welcome but are encouraged walk since nearby roads are impassable and the group's liability insurance has lapsed.

Complaints from City workers have hit a fever pitch as workers are concerned about having too much time for coffee breaks. Citing over-caffeination and obesity as the result of the city's callous disregard for their physical health as they are constantly instructed to take longer and longer coffee breaks.

"I finally get back to my desk and it seems only a few seconds go by and my supervisor is calling for another coffee break. And they keep supplying Tim Horton's doughnuts for free too" said Gladys Smyth, bookkeeper. "I've gained twenty pounds in three years and am so jumpy that my co-workers can actually here an audible buzz coming from my brain." 

City Human Resources director Saul Higgenbothum refused to comment until we provided a venti blonde from Starbucks. We were glad to oblige. Saul said "It's our 'More Breaks Makes More Work' initiative that we instituted after the failure of our 'More Exercise Makes Better Work' program of a few years ago. That latter failed because people kept going for jogs around the city and were either getting lost, falling into random holes, or freezing to death. It put a huge strain on our resources".

Saul admits that he has dozens of HR complaints to deal with regarding the extra coffee breaks. "This one here says the extra breaks have forced his to add three extra crew members to watch the guy dig a hole and to add an additional two hole diggers to spell off the current allotment of five for each hole".

Saul then left on another coffee break and we were unable to complete the interview.

LightsWith callous disregard for commute times, the city's traffic planning department has altered the timing of traffic lights by ten seconds causing traffic chaos in downtown Swift Current. The coordination of the lights on 2nd Ave NE are now 10 seconds earlier than they used to be compared with the lights on Central Ave. Commuters and now having to re-plan their daily drives through the downtown as they are now facing extensive waits at traffic lights.

"It was bad enough when we couldn't use the 2nd Ave overpass for five months, but now we're faced with actually stopping at red lights because our timing is thrown off" remarked bitter resident Corny Menno. "I'm arriving almost 30 seconds later to my appointments and just imagine all the extra wear and tear on my brakes! Who's gonna pay for that!"

Employers around the core area of the city are reporting bedlam with employees often arriving 10-20 seconds late. Marv Shuster from a downtown business remarked "It's already hard to make ends meet in this economy, now we've got more time stolen from our day. Unintended consequences are a killer".

WLMS contacted Mitch Minken, General Manager of Infrastructure & Operations, who commented "Wait, what? We changed the timing of the traffic lights timing by ten seconds? Who notices that? Don't you guys have anything better to report on?" After responding a firm "no" the manager continued: "Well, you need to start reporting on real news."

That's not going to happen on our watch.

 

 

YorktonThe latest Canadian Census (2016) Swift Current (population 16,604) finally ended up with a slightly larger population than Yorkton (16,343). City Council is overjoyed that after years of trying to surpass their eastern neighbours they finally have the upper hand. Some cite previous initiatives to suppress Yorkton's growth (including the infamous "Yorkton is smelly, move to Swift Current" milk carton advertising campaign of 2002). It turns out the influx of Filipinos finally put Speedy Creek over the top and now Council wants to keep it that way. The newest plan is to lure economic, social, political, and cultural refugees who currently are trapped in Yorkton to consider a new and better life in Swift Current.

Mayor Denis Perrault says "Swift Current in now home to 17 Syrian refugees but instead of relying on churches to bring in more we figure we can rescue a bunch of folks from Yorkton and kill two birds with one stone. We're gonna put as much distance between us and Yorkton as we can over the next five years. Resting on our laurels isn't gonna happen on my watch".

Yorkton Mayor Bob Maloney was quick to defend his city and to complain about the inappropriateness of the Swift Current program. "They've done so many silly things over the years, this just adds one more. In fact, we're fed up and we're building a new wall around the city and Swift Current is going to pay for it!".

 

 

A new poll commissioned by City Hall has confirmed that Swift Current residents living on the south side of the railway tracks are considered foreigners in their own city. The poll concluded that Swift Currentites will only visit the south side if their kids play hockey and/or they actually live there.

Poll results:

  1. Have you ever crossed over to the south side for reasons other than living there or attending a hockey game?
    • No: 80%
    • Yes: 10% - My grandparents live there so I have to go there on Sundays/
    • Yes: 5% - I deliver papers/mail so I have no choice.
    • Yes: 4% - I often forget about the one way streets and accidentally turn on to the bridge trying to turn around.
    • Yes: 1% - I'm going to pick up an item for sale from facebook Mom's Buy And Sell.
  2. What is something nice about the south side (other than your grandparents or the rink)?
    1. 95% Southside park.
    2. 5% Nothing.

Some interesting comments were:

  • "It's like crossing over in to another city...that has no traffic lights, shops (other that the CO-OP) and those people look funny". Carmen - ages 23
  • "The railway tracks are comforting. All we need to do is pretend to have a collision on the 2nd Ave overpass and those people can't even get over here without great effort" - Dennis - 48
  • "We have a south side?" - Angela - 88
  • "If those south siders actually lived in Swift Current they would live on the north side". - Rajit - 34
  • "What's the point? There no crime, bars or cemeteries there so why would I go?". Buster - 56

AftSCer 13 years of using the slogan "Where Life Makes Sense" the City of Swift Current is considering amending the slogan to make it more accurate.  Slogan ideas that that are in the running to be considered are:

  • Where Life Make More Sense Than In Moose Jaw
  • Where Life and Death Make Sense
  • Where Electricity Makes Sense Because We Have Our Own Electrical Utility
  • Where Lifers Make Sense
  • Where Wife Makes Fence (with apologies to Hallonquist)
  • Where Slogans Cost $60,000
  • Where Visitors Are Welcome  As They Drive Down A One Way Street The Wrong Way
  • Where Travellers Stop To Go Potty

City Council considers those suggestions that will require less editing to be more likely to become the newly edited motto.  Mayor Denis Perrault says "We really just want to be able to fix it without going to the printer again... maybe just some of the city workers with a sharpie fixing letterhead and envelopes during their down times."

Council has allotted $22 from the current budget for the entire slogan editing project.